Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Series: Beauty and the Beast (2012 -)


Shows like these are what makes - I'd imagine - being an elitist media critic worthwhile: every scene is an open invitation to be reamed several layers of new asshole. From the plastic performances of the lead actors to the general inane tone of the whole charade, it makes you wonder why anyone other than 13 year old girls would watch (my excuse: someone else had it on, I just happened to be there).

A cute guy concedes with embarrassed indignation: "I'm not Batman," not once but twice, then explains how he goes out into the night NOT looking to save others from trouble but, you know (helldamnit!), it just finds him. Later, we cut and pan to a man/beast concealed in a dark corner, "vulnerable" and ready for the heart melting Disney moment.

See, it's Smallville meets Monk meets Twilight, but it's probably worse than all three. If Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman from the 80s original were Gorgeous and Powerful (probably not, but we're talking comparison), Kirsten Kreuk and whatshisname are Faint and Curious.

There's absolutely nothing to like or recommend about this. At all. Probably there are 100 other similar series that are better. Every emotion is phoned in, every plot point is a rehash of dumb things you've seen before, every conclusion is a painful wince (see piles of reaming above). Even its "innocence" (the naive romance) cannot compare to the original series, because if it's not insincere, it's still plastic.

Kirsten Kreuk the person is blessed with physical beauty, and AnonymousBeefcake is surely a beastly presence in his own right/mind, but that's about all this massive feast of pointlessness can attest to. And they say nihilism is for the marginalized.

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